Oooh oh oh smita's depressed again wooow fuck off

I am a fully grown little girl. I sleep in my parents' bed when they leave for the day and I cry when I need a hug. I smoke weed like it's my job and every semester is a sleep-away summer camp. I will never ever be 17 again, I couldn't be, because 17 was when I became a woman and I've become so young since then. 

A couple months ago I asked my mom if she thought I was pretty. She told me she thinks I'm beautiful, because I remind her of herself I loved this answer. She told me I inherited her amazing bone structure. I've never thought of myself as someone with especially sharp cheekbones but I was flattered. Sometime in between interactions with men who needed to possess my body like they hated it and had to punish it, I realized she actually meant my ass-to-waist ratio. Thanks mommy. 

Hemingway killed himself cause he knew he'd never be as talented as I was. When I wrote every day. I'm actually a pretty good writer usually. I was pre-pandemic, I was really witty. I knew how to know people. And I say usually because I like to think I'll get back to that level of capability again but I don't know if that's the case. I found my creative writing blog from spring 2020 and it was so good for a 17-year-old like I was giggling and kicking my feet reading it back. It was sweet. Then I got like cartoonishly levels of depressed during lockdown like living in piles of shit in my room practically decaying into it myself never doing anything wishing I would die every day while my friends were in college meeting people and partying and then one of those friends assaulted me themselves and my parents were begging me to clean my room every day at one point and I think maybe they knew what was going on but just didn't know how to address it or they didn't know and I was better at hiding it than I thought. I started seeing a psychiatrist in college tho so it's cool now. 

But I feel like I lost some brain function then like I'm being 100% dead serious. I used to be so much funnier wtf!! I also got more attractive and I hate that dearly. For what I suspect are obvious reasons(?) it has made me very bitter and resentful. I want to go back. Idk here's a poem that explains it better https://buttonpoetry.com/shay-alexi-stewart-song-of-the-prettybird-100k-views/.

I will write happy things again! I'm stopping this mood stabilizer soon. Never letting the ops get one over on me even when the ops are myself.

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