S94kn

 How is it possible that I'm making progress without even trying? That sounds like a flex, right? Is it not objectively good that I have made friends and become more active on campus and I didn't even realize? I'm starting to have moments of acute dissociation perhaps, seconds where my brain disconnects from my body and I'm a captive audience forced to see what Smita sees. In non-acute instances I'm woken up, but not from sleeping. I forget what I'm saying when I even say it. I look up and I'm studying in the iSchool. It's not just the world moving faster than I can now but my own body too. Yesterday my friend was venting about how incompetent the bureaucracy within UIUC can get, as someone who was also fucked over but by chance and the universe and not one of its smaller carnal counterparts. She said it must be so nice to have an "event" free 4 years in college. That's not fair. It's not fucking fair. What a waste of 2 years of my life...

We cannot as humans be designed to know more than literally 4 people on a personal level. I wish I could clone myself and we could laugh at the same shit all day and then go to bed (we sleep in the same bed but only so we can face back to back so we have full coverage from monsters). It's so interesting right now to feel both like I like who I am a lot and I am severely depressed. I want to go do things and I have just like no more energy to talk to other people which is so fucked because I love other people but knowing people is so much work. I told my ex girlfriend on one of our first dates that I didn't have many friends and she was like I can tell bc you're really charismatic but also kind of a loser which was funny but now feeling too accurate.  But like I'm making friends (like I can name them I swear to god you just don't know them) and it feels like so much work even though I am only maintaining those friendships by inviting them to my apartment to drink or ...

 I have not been to the math class I was leaving when I saw Nic since. I am so fucked. I am so so fucked. My life doesn't have to be this way but everything is so much harder now because I befriended the wrong person when I was 14. What fucking jackass files a counter sexual assault report using his victim's documented account as his own? Literally using my own fucking narratives? I PAID FOR THOSE WORDS WITH MY BLOOD AND SANITY.  The last sentence of my opening statement at the counter hearing was "this has been long and hard for all of us but I don't regret reporting what I did because I was doing whar I think is right and I stand by my values".  Verbatim, Ver fucking batim word for word he repeats this statement as the final sentence of his closing statement. I remember because I texted my therapist about it lol. Credit where credit is due though, he did add an original thought at the very front. "It's such a shame, because Smita and I were close friend...

 I could not have written that last post at a better time because my stupid dumb will never be free ass passed Nic today at the green street intersection. We both spent a solid minute staring at each other trying to see if we were hallucinating. I've spent so so fucking much time trying to train my brain out of seeing Nic in every person that looks even vaguely similar. I look for a trait that means they couldn't be him- different hair, height, whatever. I can't explain the fear of trying to do that this time and realizing it was really him.  It's always 2 steps foward and a big fucking shove back. This is the first time I've seen Nic aside from either hearing in over a year. At least at the hearings I could prepare myself (taping several paper towels over the monitor). My hypervigilance didn't protect me and I wish I could tell my body that it's because it's just a bad coping system in the first place. But what my body took away is that I'm not bein...

 Yesterday Vicente said I'm someone with a lot of "network drama," which is funny because it's not a joke. I don't try to know a lot of students here but I absolutely have to know who knows who. I need to know who and where and when to avoid. To me it seems like there's a pretty direct path from having your rapist and his friends try to ruin your life to feeling guarded to the extent that you need control even your periphery. Like it's insane but understandably insane. Other people find it endearing at best and vindictive at worst and I've never understood either perspective. I don't want to be like this. But people think if I really didn't, then I wouldn't. Wanting to change is supposed to be enough and I thought that too so it has fucking sucked to learn otherwise.  Sometimes I feel like my friends could never know me at all if they don't understand this isn't something I want for myself. I remind myself that they just don't k...

 Y'all I truly hate to say this but unfortunately it gets better. That is an unironic statement and I know my mentally ill bad bitches know it too. In the two hours between the panel's deliberation for the first hearing (INSANE fucking qualifier!!) Dr. Miller let me have a personal conversation with him, I assume because he could tell I needed it after how dehumanizing the hearing had been, which was quite very literally the only good thing to come of that entire experience. I told him about the good stuff in my life and how it did not cancel out the pain, and he told me canceling it out isn't the point and in my head I was like I was like fuck off!!!!! cause he was fucking right. Because I'm just supposed to do what?? Fucking integrate it into my life and learn how to live in such a way that I can honor my experiences while not letting them own me? Fuck you.  I have a sweet chiller 10-year-old kitty named Noreen (Miss Noreen to you) and write in my diary and do my laun...