Fighting my luteal phase demons rn

 How is it possible that I'm making progress without even trying? That sounds like a flex, right? Is it not objectively good that I have made friends and become more active on campus and I didn't even realize?

I'm starting to have moments of acute dissociation perhaps, seconds where my brain disconnects from my body and I'm a captive audience forced to see what Smita sees. In non-acute instances I'm woken up, but not from sleeping. I forget what I'm saying when I even say it. I look up and I'm studying in the iSchool. It's not just the world moving faster than I can now but my own body too.

Yesterday my friend was venting about how incompetent the bureaucracy within UIUC can get, as someone who was also fucked over but by chance and the universe and not one of its smaller carnal counterparts. She said it must be so nice to have an "event" free 4 years in college. That's not fair. It's not fucking fair. What a waste of 2 years of my life. I'm tired of watching people who wished bad on me (even if it was just for the sake of mentally validating their friendship with N) come closer to self fulfillment while I try twice in a row to purchase a prop item at Ulta. I'm so unaware of what's happening in my own life and it's a shame because I think I'm missing out on something good.

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