Be the reason someone believes in kind hearts and pure souls

 Yesterday Vicente said I'm someone with a lot of "network drama," which is funny because it's not a joke. I don't try to know a lot of students here but I absolutely have to know who knows who. I need to know who and where and when to avoid. To me it seems like there's a pretty direct path from having your rapist and his friends try to ruin your life to feeling guarded to the extent that you need control even your periphery. Like it's insane but understandably insane. Other people find it endearing at best and vindictive at worst and I've never understood either perspective. I don't want to be like this. But people think if I really didn't, then I wouldn't. Wanting to change is supposed to be enough and I thought that too so it has fucking sucked to learn otherwise.

 Sometimes I feel like my friends could never know me at all if they don't understand this isn't something I want for myself. I remind myself that they just don't know what it was like to be me at that time, but I feel like I lose part of my identity when I try to separate the two.

Nic and Josh used to comment about how aggressive/bitter/negative I am all the time to put me down. My friend and I were very drunk a few weeks ago and at some point temperament came up, and he told me he could see a side of me that's petty and kind of sharp. Then to prove it he asked if I would get revenge on my rapist if I could. So the obvious question this leaves is was I born like that or is my pettiness the result of longterm abuse? The answer is it does not matter. I have to be better than my circumstances which fucking sucks and I hate. I want to be bitter and hateful about what happened forever but no one wants to be around someone who's bitter and hateful about what happened forever. It's not their fault and it doesn't mean they care about mental illness any less, it's just the truth. 

Last November I was on Lamictal, which for a month made me more suicidal than when I literally tried to commit suicide. I didn't feel safe in my own home and I didn't feel like things would get better (and to be fair they did get much worse). My body remembers when I'm alone at night. I'm very afraid and now I have nothing to be afraid about. Fucking residual fear. What am I supposed to do with it? Because not only is it hogging up my brain space but it's shattering my frame of reference for things that should make me react. Once you've felt the fear of a life-or-death situation everything else becomes so low stakes. Bad grade? Not gonna kill me. Breakup? Not gonna kill me. Watching a seal pup get clubbed to death before my very eyes? Wouldn't love it but not gonna kill me. What does feel like it could kill me is not knowing how many degrees of separation exist between someone I have only just heard about and Nic or Josh. On the opposite side of this I still enjoy things, but nothing feels as good as it felt to be found not guilty at the second hearing (no shit but it didn't feel like no shit at the time). My body became so light I felt like I could float. I love the things in my life that make me happy but it's really hard not to wonder if I'll ever feel as happy as that relief made me again. 

So should I run it back or what?

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