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 I could not have written that last post at a better time because my stupid dumb will never be free ass passed Nic today at the green street intersection. We both spent a solid minute staring at each other trying to see if we were hallucinating. I've spent so so fucking much time trying to train my brain out of seeing Nic in every person that looks even vaguely similar. I look for a trait that means they couldn't be him- different hair, height, whatever. I can't explain the fear of trying to do that this time and realizing it was really him. 

It's always 2 steps foward and a big fucking shove back. This is the first time I've seen Nic aside from either hearing in over a year. At least at the hearings I could prepare myself (taping several paper towels over the monitor). My hypervigilance didn't protect me and I wish I could tell my body that it's because it's just a bad coping system in the first place. But what my body took away is that I'm not being hypervigilant enough. 

When I tried to kill myself, it was because something inside of me snapped and I couldn't take it anymore. It was a sudden transition from feeling like real shit but hoping I would get through it to just wanting to end the anger and fear and desperation. I guess what I'm saying is moments like these make me less confident I won't do it again. The first time I sent somewhat of an unhinged email to OSCR before trying to OD and the only person employed there who treats me like I have a beating heart called me and I wouldn't have picked up but Dr. Miller was cced in the email and sent me pictures of his newly adopted baby in response and it was good for a moment to see someone I love feel good and so I let myself get saved even though I had to spend a week at the pavilion and feel slightly cheated cause part of me would like to be chilling with god and all my dead pets. I do love my life and Dr. Miller was right that the point of gaining good experiences isn't to cancel out the pain of the bad ones. But what. the. fuck. am I supposed to do with that pain then.

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