Imagine I wrote this holding the pose of swag Brian Griffin in that meme where he's cut and holding a cig

 I have become very self-absorbed this past 5 months. Insane to say after the last post but it's true. I don't say that with a value judgment attached (but if I were to give it one it would be positive). I can't afford to hate myself at this point. That's a joke but not a lie. I am hated very intensely by one evil guy and more diffusely among his friends I guess, which is a guess because I try very hard to avoid them but I still find myself learning about them against my will by people who feel guilt for running into them and think I for some reason am the person to assuage this guilt- my point is enough hatred exists for me in the world that if I hated myself too it would literally not be worth living. Unfortunately for everyone involved I like being alive. 

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I'm bipolar and I keep not taking her seriously because A) every mf with complex mental illness gets diagnosed as bipolar, it's happened to my friends and literally every person I talked to at the pavilion and B) I picked her as my psychiatrist because her practice was the first Google result for "virtual psychiatry" and I lowkey don't even know if they're licensed. I haven't paid a bill to them since some time in 2022. I don't really disagree with her that I should be on anti-psychotics cause I do get a little kooky nasty sometimes. But I don't like no cap on god frfr think I'm bipolar. Maybe the vanity borders on something unstable but is that not sexier??? it's French it's art nouveau. 

Speaking of the pavilion, I just want to talk about one time when this very young girl started fighting someone and a bunch of nurses fucking dogpiled her and she was crying out for her grandpa and I was on the phone with my mom at the time and nurse nichole made me hang up and move to the phone at the other side of the building when I was holding the receiver up for my mom to hear and nurse nichole said it was cause she "didn't want me getting scared" but I know that bitch knew they were fucked for what they did to that little girl. Anyway

I took Ritalin for the first time two days ago. Not prescribed but offered and ingested on a hunch. I wanted to fucking cry. Thinking was so easy. I could focus. Checking my phone was just checking my phone and not picking up my phone to scroll Reels for 3 hours and feel physically unable to move. But it's not the solution because I don't have adhd executive dysfunction, I have cptsd executive dysfunction. Repeated stimulant use makes ptsd worse. So I got to feel for about 4 hours what I would be like if I left March 26th 2021 with my virginity intact, and now I get to remember how good it felt while knowing that if I ever want to feel that way again I have to devote years of work to my mental health and likely spend about 3 months in an outpatient program. 

I'll update unless I don't.

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